Seriously though, 30-something mothers face a problem nowadays, a problem unique to our times. I’m talking about keeping your friends in the After Children era.
In the "good old days", let’s take the golden 1950s as an example, life was simple: you finished school, you got married, you had children.
That was the magic formula followed by everybody you knew. So when you hit your thirtieth birthday, your brood was of school-going age and you spent your time baking the lunchbox cookies and looking pretty for your money-earning husband. All your school friends and next-door neighbours did it, so you could socialise with your peers and discuss - successively - morning sickness, the best way to wash nappies, how to get cooked carrot into that toddler’s mouth, terrible twos…. Everybody was on the same page, so to speak.
Now, in the 21st century, the 30-somethings are as diverse as the contents of a very large box of chocolates.
You get the singles. 30-something single men (yes, they do exist, and they're not all gay!) are usually quite open about their quest for a steady relationship. They're bored with dating and one-month stands, they want the real thing: a home, a wife, a few children and a dog.
Their female counterparts, however, seem quite content with their single status. They are still career-hungry. They love hanging out in bars with the blissful knowledge that even if they do share their bed with somebody tonight, they won't be obliged to cook breakfast or launder his socks. They talk about their careers and would faint at the sight of a dirty nappy.
Oh, except the single mothers. They don’t talk about anything. Their time is stretched taut between work, household chores and the children. When they do meet up with their friends, they are thankful to be able to sip their tea in silence and close their eyes for five minutes.
Then you get the DINKY 30-somethings: Double Income No Kids Yet. They are the couples who live in picture-perfect immaculate houses, take their holidays abroad twice a year and have the time for hobbies. They can be seen in restaurants, theatre and parties: always together, always talking in the married "we" plural about the latest art show and the bargains in Thailand.
Finally, there is the Married With Children set (and I use the term "married" loosely, because of de facto relationships). The only thing we ever talk about is child rearing.
Can you spot the problem? I’m sure you can. In my circle of friends, we have representatives from all the above camps. It's a miracle we still get together. Most conversations go as follows:
Single: "Have you seen that latest movie <insert title here>?"
DINKY: "Oh yes, isn't <insert actor's name here> gorgeous?"
Married and single with children: "Huh? Movies? I fell asleep in front of the TV last night."
Single mum: "My youngest has just started cruising."
Married with children: "Wow, that's great! If you put a toy on the sofa, you will encourage him to -"
DINKY: "Excuse me, he's started to do what? Cruising, as in picking up strangers for sex? Aaaaaw, watch it, this is a new suit and your fingers are full of chocolate!"
All the parents exchange exasperated glances.
As much as I’d like to keep in touch with all my friends, the sad reality is that I now live in another reality. A reality in which dates can be cancelled at the last minute because “the baby feels a bit hot”, a reality in which I can’t get out of the house before 8.30pm, a reality in which my favourite topic of conversation is my daughter. Take it or leave it.
If you’re a parent, I know you’ll take it.
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